character - Narrator

character - Officer Stone

character - Colonel Stanley Owlen

character - Club Manager

character - Vet

character - Photographer

character - Carl

character - SEC Agent #1

character - Dr. David Lyman

character - Dr. Dresdin

character - Victor (Maitre'd)

character - Ernest

character - Yuppie Man

character - Vic

character - Maitre'd

character - Waiter

character - Loan Officer

character - Charles Kolchak

character - Mr. Keller

character - Alien Crewman

character - Ted Goggle

character - Mr. Munster

character - Steve Popovich

character - John Monahan

character - Producer #2

character - Immigration

character - Waiter

character - Sir Edward Ramsay (voice)

character - Maitre 'D

character - Ken

character - Maitre D'

character - Johnson

character - Dave

character - Chip

character - Guy in Absurd Sweater

character - Joseph Haydn / Aristocrat #1 / Constable #1 (voice)